Posts by Sean Kilpatrick

JOKER photo
October 11, 2019 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Baby’s first ethics class shouldn’t be the media

"Cat People Run, Run Like the Wind, Cat People Screw, Screw Like the Wind” (Neely) photo
January 25, 2019 | Nonfiction

"Cat People Run, Run Like the Wind, Cat People Screw, Screw Like the Wind” (Neely)

Sean Kilpatrick

Many a novel today is a screenplay with feelings. 

Death Note / mother! / final movie review photo
September 7, 2017 | movie reviews

Death Note / mother! / final movie review

Sean Kilpatrick


War on Everyone photo
August 16, 2017 | movie reviews

War on Everyone

Sean Kilpatrick

"Don't tuck your art in." Jamie Foxx

Lady Macbeth / Little Hours / Ingrid Goes West photo
August 15, 2017 | movie reviews

Lady Macbeth / Little Hours / Ingrid Goes West

Sean Kilpatrick

H-E-double hockey sticks

Spiderman: Homecoming / Valerian: City of a Thousand Planets / Wonder Woman photo
July 25, 2017 | movie reviews

Spiderman: Homecoming / Valerian: City of a Thousand Planets / Wonder Woman

Sean Kilpatrick

Enemas blastin!

Baby Driver / The Bad Batch / The Beguiled photo
July 14, 2017 | movie reviews

Baby Driver / The Bad Batch / The Beguiled

Sean Kilpatrick


Mystery Science Theater 3000 photo
June 15, 2017 | movie reviews

Mystery Science Theater 3000

Sean Kilpatrick

Nemo me impune lacessit - pueri et infirmi, qui scripsit in pupa.

Buster's Mal Heart photo
June 14, 2017 | movie reviews

Buster's Mal Heart

Sean Kilpatrick

Malek's our man for Malek on Malek

Raw photo
May 18, 2017 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick


Colossal photo
May 17, 2017 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick


T2: Trainspotting 2 photo
April 15, 2017 | movie reviews

T2: Trainspotting 2

Sean Kilpatrick

Single tear

Ghost in the Shell photo
April 15, 2017 | movie reviews

Ghost in the Shell

Sean Kilpatrick

PS - Takeshi Kitano is god

Get Out / John Wick 2 photo
March 15, 2017 | movie reviews

Get Out / John Wick 2

Sean Kilpatrick

Honoring AV Club's restraining order against me from this day forward

A Cure for Wellness photo
March 13, 2017 | movie reviews

A Cure for Wellness

Sean Kilpatrick

“I look forward to the time when I shall refuse to learn another thing, having accumulated errors enough.” Charles Fort

Elle photo
February 8, 2017 |


Sean Kilpatrick

The cock in Hitchcock

La La Land photo
February 7, 2017 | movie reviews

La La Land

Sean Kilpatrick

Suicide is all theory until you fall in love with a piece of shit.

The Greasy Strangler photo
January 16, 2017 | movie reviews

The Greasy Strangler

Sean Kilpatrick


In a Valley of Violence photo
January 12, 2017 | movie reviews

In a Valley of Violence

Sean Kilpatrick

Going big on tsk tsk.

The Deleted photo
December 17, 2016 | movie reviews

The Deleted

Sean Kilpatrick

Dialogue is not necessary

The Eyes of My Mother photo
December 16, 2016 | movie reviews

The Eyes of My Mother

Sean Kilpatrick

Rapturous VHS solitude

Dog Eat Dog / Black Mirror photo
November 23, 2016 | movie reviews

Dog Eat Dog / Black Mirror

Sean Kilpatrick

Writers are running out of good guy badges. Virtue signaling shame ponies and other cultural nyet.

Trash Fire photo
November 16, 2016 | movie reviews

Trash Fire

Sean Kilpatrick

It's the kind of world that makes you vomit well into sobriety.

Demon photo
October 19, 2016 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Poland = Michigan

Author: The JT Leroy Story photo
October 17, 2016 | movie reviews

Author: The JT Leroy Story

Sean Kilpatrick

piss you one cleaner than your trackshoes, say i / sex toys on lease to i / houses for my centipede, ow / coke that asshole into skinny fleece / clean up with her spate, guy / suck stray dogs in the cock wound, i / lick what your god's got, why / imma mafuckun star boi

Suicide Squad photo
September 14, 2016 | movie reviews

Suicide Squad

Sean Kilpatrick

This D minus of a man

Don't Breathe photo
September 12, 2016 | movie reviews

Don't Breathe

Sean Kilpatrick

Is it ok to bite the hand that feeds you if the food is mostly rubber?

August 18, 2016 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Acting isn’t enough anymore. They should have to hurt themselves.

August 17, 2016 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Please don't leave me to my joysticks!

The Neon Demon photo
July 21, 2016 | movie reviews

The Neon Demon

Sean Kilpatrick

People are just the mares under their craft.

Weiner-Dog / Dinner in America photo
July 18, 2016 | movie reviews

Weiner-Dog / Dinner in America

Sean Kilpatrick

The Great God Pan

June 20, 2016 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Not every cry is a cry for help.

June 17, 2016 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

A sponsorship for every spree.

Horace and Pete photo
May 17, 2016 | movie reviews

Horace and Pete

Sean Kilpatrick

You have been saved in vain.

May 16, 2016 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Sigh, my beloved. May I be her Pepe Le Pew?

April 16, 2016 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity, the Sequel, or Part Zilch of Ten Billion, My Entire Oeuvre is this Film, a Mental Disturbance of a Review, 666 Words in Length

Hardcore Henry / Punisher in Daredevil / Batman V Superman Again photo
April 16, 2016 | movie reviews

Hardcore Henry / Punisher in Daredevil / Batman V Superman Again

Sean Kilpatrick

Must we insist on doling out movies by the stratagem?

Report on AWP LA 2016 photo
April 9, 2016 | Dispatches

Report on AWP LA 2016

Sean Kilpatrick


The VVitch / Triple 9 photo
March 18, 2016 | movie reviews

The VVitch / Triple 9

Sean Kilpatrick

Black Phillip says monogamy means convincing somebody they like being controlled.

Dirty Grandpa photo
March 17, 2016 | movie reviews

Dirty Grandpa

Sean Kilpatrick

Stay in a hell I can't reach you from.

February 17, 2016 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

My bathroom break is getting ahead of me.

LOVE photo
February 15, 2016 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

The dirt on our hands now, how airbrushed in.

January 21, 2016 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Please, let it fuck me if I have it. Right? Fucking USA, again. If one person is making a bona fide constructive statement, the other nine are making you their bitch.

January 19, 2016 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

I like getting fucked in my feelings.

December 23, 2015 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Where is the sequel with everyone’s joy icon shown twenty years down the road, morphed into a cenobite, gnawing the bedpost it tied itself to, libidinously squelched?

December 21, 2015 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Say we're sorry!

December 4, 2015 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Now our privates got a timeline.

Manson Family Vacation photo
December 1, 2015 | movie reviews

Manson Family Vacation

Sean Kilpatrick

Let’s touch hands across the rubble.

The Green Inferno & Knock Knock / Wolf’s Hole at Spectacle Theater photo
November 3, 2015 | movie reviews

The Green Inferno & Knock Knock / Wolf’s Hole at Spectacle Theater

Sean Kilpatrick

I’m a stockpiling cakemix of a man trapped in the well Tarantino dug for me around age eleven. 

Jonathan Franzen's Purity: Driving Mister Franzen photo
October 27, 2015 | Nonfiction

Jonathan Franzen's Purity: Driving Mister Franzen

Sean Kilpatrick

Over the course of being mounted by this tome, I took up a pipe, drank scotch from an airplane toilet, consigned to rubbing myself down with strange bleaches, minced any sense of diet intentionally diabetic by an assortment of binge ate junk...

Mistress America photo
October 15, 2015 | movie reviews

Mistress America

Sean Kilpatrick

...darling Jennifer Jason Leigh. An actress who knows pain and ain’t fucking around. I miss her for his art. Margot at the Wedding is devastating. It is pursed-lips mean. You can’t measure its parsimony on heart. 

Chappie / Snowpiercer / Alien 5 photo
October 1, 2015 | movie reviews

Chappie / Snowpiercer / Alien 5

Sean Kilpatrick

If you’re of the age to have returned that difficult game (I’m too trapped nowhere between gen Xers and millennials to pipe up about this or anything, though I favor the X for its aesthetic absurdities pluming in the early-to-mid 90s culture that raised me), or are of the mindset to grouse at the receipt for any difficult entertainment, then your whole life is probably you snitching on yourself under the guise of being genuine, and you should continue to embrace your deciphered and dimensionally rounded community of bullshit Star Wars enthusiasm which predominately infects the arts (or get fucked in your ball cap). 

Tomorrowland photo
September 24, 2015 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

If someone insists you smile, it might as well be rape. This movie found a way to nitpick itself the way these types nitpick everyone around them about presenting the right attitude. Someone in this land will always be subjecting you to the editorial fructose of their imperial fertility. If Bird’s intent was to satirize our fretful American condition, I didn’t understand, because I left the fucking theater right when the film began – about an hour in.

I Dropped Acid and Went to a Vice News “The Business of Life” Taping photo
September 23, 2015 | Dispatches

I Dropped Acid and Went to a Vice News “The Business of Life” Taping

Sean Kilpatrick

There’s so much freakshow in you, Charlie, I thought: I love you, but, look, you’ve been treated like a citizen enough to have cop friends. Sometimes I think you think all creative expression falls under Reganomics. Then he’s in my face with six reasons why I’m hardly pubic or adjusted. Yes, I’m a pussy. I get it.

Irrational Man photo
September 15, 2015 | movie reviews

Irrational Man

Sean Kilpatrick

Only someone whose amazing art can no longer hide them from the petty philanthropy hopefully juxtaposing the asinine incest of their crimes would issue such a dollar bill of a sentence. 

Faults / Cheap Thrills / The Shield / The Corndog Man photo
September 4, 2015 | movie reviews

Faults / Cheap Thrills / The Shield / The Corndog Man

Sean Kilpatrick

Being human is about: what’s unobtainable today? 

The End of the Tour photo
August 13, 2015 | movie reviews

The End of the Tour

Sean Kilpatrick

To recover from the grand wizard of empathy’s commencement speech, I have since camped at grocery stores, when I can afford them, awaiting the flotation device of my college degree’s supposed intellectual extenuation of the human gridlock.

Terminator Genisys / Jurassic World photo
July 28, 2015 | movie reviews

Terminator Genisys / Jurassic World

Sean Kilpatrick

Hopefully, I’ve ingested enough synthetic flavor to stop my heart real early. Or to maintain tinnitus for the length of a harassing phone call. If not, the only responsibility of the adult is to be their own Kevorkian.

Montage of Heck / The Wolfpack / Amy  photo
July 22, 2015 | movie reviews

Montage of Heck / The Wolfpack / Amy 

Sean Kilpatrick

Then the world boned its youth one worse. Even if you weren’t participating, they made not giving a fuck popular. 

The Tribe photo
June 18, 2015 | movie reviews

The Tribe

Sean Kilpatrick

Cinetopia is a Detroit film festival for fresh retirees on a cinematic tour bus who belch knowingly whenever they mistake their hunched way into an obscene masterpiece. 

Ex Machina / Captain Phillips photo
June 16, 2015 | movie reviews

Ex Machina / Captain Phillips

Sean Kilpatrick

Some animals devour their young to cease lactation so they can fuck more often. People tripped over the invention of a conscience for no other happenstance than to keep our numbers plump.

The Reconstruction of William Zero / Lost River / Buzzard photo
June 5, 2015 | movie reviews

The Reconstruction of William Zero / Lost River / Buzzard

Sean Kilpatrick

Gosling has an understanding beyond the Franco. There’s a certain silence to his pose. I dig his tone, even if he’s sexy.

Mad Max Fury Road / Tender Napalm / Zeitgeist Theatre photo
May 22, 2015 | movie reviews

Mad Max Fury Road / Tender Napalm / Zeitgeist Theatre

Sean Kilpatrick

Not belonging feels more and more like banging a rough cookie on the counter these days. I would take pride in my crumbs, if I knew how. It’s good to be alive like a delinquent spaz.

It Follows photo
April 11, 2015 | movie reviews

It Follows

Sean Kilpatrick

PS – This film deserves its every cult and to be ranked even beyond into the commonly over-valued status of a classic

Top Five photo
March 25, 2015 | movie reviews

Top Five

Sean Kilpatrick

Seinfeld near tits is an innovative sight. A billionaire can only be cropped next to libidinous events with CGI. It appears comedians struggle to retrieve their teeth back from fame. 

Saratoga Tree Beast  photo
March 21, 2015 | Dispatches

Saratoga Tree Beast 

Sean Kilpatrick

We tried training the Doberman abandoned a yard down with chemically flattened ham

Starred Up photo
March 20, 2015 | movie reviews

Starred Up

Sean Kilpatrick

I think Hemingway killed the subordinate clause because it looked at him slantward from the shelled nobility of an era that deserved Victorianism.

The Rossini Suckdown photo
February 14, 2015 | Dispatches

The Rossini Suckdown

Sean Kilpatrick

The tone deaf values most families scrambled to anesthetize irked my metabolism. 

American Sniper photo
February 11, 2015 | movie reviews

American Sniper

Sean Kilpatrick

I’m troubled to notice odd similarities between my nihilism and the right wing. 

The Imitation Game / Foxcatcher photo
January 31, 2015 | movie reviews

The Imitation Game / Foxcatcher

Sean Kilpatrick

Between The Social Network and The Imitation Game, we can decipher precisely how our genitals should disrobe us. I, for one, will be relieved to wave them uploaded straight under Darwin’s

Inherent Vice photo
January 27, 2015 | movie reviews

Inherent Vice

Sean Kilpatrick

I only look you in the eyes if I’m sure the condom’s on.

I Love You, Apple, I Love You, Orange photo
January 9, 2015 | movie reviews

I Love You, Apple, I Love You, Orange

Sean Kilpatrick

This is the first magic realist mumblecore psychological love story thriller shot over eight years of Claymation. 

Polyester in Odorama / The Room with Tommy Wiseau in person photo
December 31, 2014 | movie reviews

Polyester in Odorama / The Room with Tommy Wiseau in person

Sean Kilpatrick

and it is always okay to be cruel in the arts, whether people like him are in on it or not, because who cares, internet (hey internet, how do I take a selfie of my fucking concern for others?)

The Moth photo
December 26, 2014 | Dispatches

The Moth

Sean Kilpatrick

When I was young, I wanted one of those Davy Crockett hats. Because I admire psychopaths.

The Interview photo
December 25, 2014 | movie reviews

The Interview

Sean Kilpatrick

 Shucks, you know the only racism worth a damn comes from poverty. I like Franco when he’s silly.

Ninja Turtles / Interstellar / Guardians of the Galaxy / Birdman photo
December 23, 2014 | movie reviews

Ninja Turtles / Interstellar / Guardians of the Galaxy / Birdman

Sean Kilpatrick

PS. I was part of an email the studio campaign in the early 2000s to openly mock the idea of a Dawn of the Dead remake, before remakes were a condition.

Whiplash photo
November 27, 2014 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Is Chekov why I’m so sad? I’ll give you twenty bucks for a plot in literature that acknowledges his talent, but ignores him slightly more.

Karaoke Brothel photo
November 15, 2014 | Dispatches

Karaoke Brothel

Sean Kilpatrick

I spend my free time an appropriate amount of bed sick. I keep a lot of spare pieces of glass up my carpeted self. I mean a literal debris of glass happens when I sit forward.

Gone Girl photo
November 7, 2014 | movie reviews

Gone Girl

Sean Kilpatrick

A relationship’s complacency can only end atop the stripped sinew of an erect Doogie Howser. We’re not gonna hide at being perfect.

Tusk photo
October 14, 2014 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Sometimes you have to say fuck it and cry masterpiece.

Tom Sizemore and the Heat Death of the Universe photo
October 9, 2014 | movie reviews

Tom Sizemore and the Heat Death of the Universe

Sean Kilpatrick

People want their maniacs explained. But there is no autopsy deft enough to expose how sensually disfigured a mind can get.

Hypothetical Empathy Online and the Five Tenants of Rejection photo
September 20, 2014 | Dispatches

Hypothetical Empathy Online and the Five Tenants of Rejection

Sean Kilpatrick

When you love someone who won’t love you back, that is your full time job.

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For photo
September 16, 2014 | movie reviews

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Sean Kilpatrick

Please go read the reviews for this movie on The Onion, the pissant caboodle that now passes for Roger, and Ain’t It Cool News, yeah, them too, for some reason.

Pap Smear for Beerfest photo
August 30, 2014 | Dispatches

Pap Smear for Beerfest

Sean Kilpatrick

You can’t ban my books for saying this shit because no one bought them anyway. Some guys have all the luck. 

Cold in July / The Rover photo
August 28, 2014 | movie reviews

Cold in July / The Rover

Sean Kilpatrick

How they say something doesn’t wink at an audience, this caws its eyelids off. What we got? Mad MenTrue Detective? Those shows are about acting. (Sometimes about writing in service of plot. Oh, True Detective, almost, so close until the final explanation cribs us all.)

Ron Allen’s Entertainer Zero Machine at Hasting’s Ballroom, Detroit, 2004 photo
August 26, 2014 | Nonfiction

Ron Allen’s Entertainer Zero Machine at Hasting’s Ballroom, Detroit, 2004

Sean Kilpatrick

Where the fuck are the collected plays of Ron Allen? The police have won, that’s where.

50 Shades of Grey (book and upcoming film and action figures) photo
July 29, 2014 | movie reviews

50 Shades of Grey (book and upcoming film and action figures)

Sean Kilpatrick

I never knew a woman who wasn’t capable of killing me with a sentence. Until now?

Other People Podcast photo
July 1, 2014 | Nonfiction

Other People Podcast

Sean Kilpatrick

If one person can take from this that it is not about privilege, it is not fiction versus poet, it is none of the internet fashions of complaint and it is not anonymous (even though I am any-goddamn-pleasing-way anonymous with or without my fucking name) ...

The Sacrament photo
July 1, 2014 | movie reviews

The Sacrament

Sean Kilpatrick

My fault for side-stepping the usual male pretense at sensitivity or smug confidence of manipulation. I’ve saved it all for this fucking Lish frottage of a sentence.

Brian Allen Carr Interview photo
June 13, 2014 | Interview

Brian Allen Carr Interview

Sean Kilpatrick

Sean Kilpatrick: If you and I could be said to exist outside ye old literary camps, and I think our flags remain hygienic because I don’t leave the house and you’re too good at what you do, also

Palo Alto photo
June 9, 2014 | movie reviews

Palo Alto

Sean Kilpatrick

You know shit’s over when they flunk a nihilist out of the suckass pedagogy for bringing too much optimism.

Blue Ruin photo
May 30, 2014 | movie reviews

Blue Ruin

Sean Kilpatrick

 inhabited a square-foot ghetto in Austin, cute by standards of being raised south of 8 mile, upside Detroit’s unfair putty

Only Lovers Left Alive photo
May 20, 2014 | movie reviews

Only Lovers Left Alive

Sean Kilpatrick

I won’t front about Jarmusch. He’s cooler than my ability to describe shit. He’s our genuinely cool filmmaker, anachronistic above ideal, an atavist with perfect hair. He’s the reason people should

Under the Skin photo
May 8, 2014 | movie reviews

Under the Skin

Sean Kilpatrick

I enjoy when a formal beauty proves they have art. Gosling did. Even Shia. Franco tries. We all mean well. There’s lots of ways to feel pain besides being ugly

Enemy photo
April 30, 2014 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Enemy is the only title a film about relationships should have.

Noah photo
April 19, 2014 | movie reviews


Sean Kilpatrick

Noah is a film better than the book

Nymph()maniac Vol. 1 and 2 photo
April 9, 2014 | movie reviews

Nymph()maniac Vol. 1 and 2

Sean Kilpatrick

Why is Von Trier my man? He’s my man whose bruises I refuse to conceal. I have no debate or defense, he’s atop me. I must strangle myself in his defense. 

The Grand Budapest Hotel photo
April 7, 2014 | movie reviews

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Sean Kilpatrick

The twee hustle a brand of nostalgia excluding most. The characters involved are living out the party you missed through the entirety of your twenties. This longing accrues until you place yourself

The Lego Movie photo
March 11, 2014 | movie reviews

The Lego Movie

Sean Kilpatrick

And if a man in a dress shirt and sneakers mashing his foreskin upwind during urination upon yonder innocent lass, tweeting, “Soon I will be an integral part of your biography,” isn’t for you, here’s to you. 

Internal Affairs / Deep Cover photo
February 14, 2014 | movie reviews

Internal Affairs / Deep Cover

Sean Kilpatrick

Bean cures hetero monogamy of squareness

The Boys Next Door (1985) photo
January 31, 2014 | movie reviews

The Boys Next Door (1985)

Sean Kilpatrick

flipping out total blond and brunette loser pal road trip butt munch style and going 80s rampage at their sperm.

Happy Birthday to Me photo
January 1, 2014 | movie reviews

Happy Birthday to Me

Sean Kilpatrick

This movie is a semiotic fuck you

Escape from Tomorrow photo
January 1, 2014 | movie reviews

Escape from Tomorrow

Sean Kilpatrick

Behold the ass of Mickey

Wet Traditions at the Barber: a review of LadyJane's Haircuts for Men photo
October 22, 2013 | Nonfiction

Wet Traditions at the Barber: a review of LadyJane's Haircuts for Men

Sean Kilpatrick

A lady doesn’t need makeup unless it’s the war paint she’s putting on to end me. 

Don Jon photo
October 1, 2013 | movie reviews

Don Jon

Sean Kilpatrick

Did you know mites are accruing primo destinies beneath my fur? Their spit glues each lover I’ve loved deeper into the next. I am a different, lesser value cajoled of that saliva. The trophies I

The Act of Killing photo
September 16, 2013 | movie reviews

The Act of Killing

Sean Kilpatrick

The American stillborn sense of justice has worn its grave so truthfully all things pious count no more and didn’t then. We want poignant documentaries, exposes of humanitarian needlework to rally

Pacific Rim photo
August 9, 2013 | movie reviews

Pacific Rim

Sean Kilpatrick


The To-Do List photo
August 2, 2013 | movie reviews

The To-Do List

Sean Kilpatrick

Dearest Aubrey,

Thou hovereth - petite creature, mosaically charmed, whose eschewal doth blemish my undeserving metabolism - stroked betwixt channels what-have-you, tugged bestrewn through

Only God Forgives photo
July 26, 2013 | movie reviews

Only God Forgives

Sean Kilpatrick

Note to critics: Nicolas Winding Refn is your better.

That Old and Good and Old Timey Good New England Butter photo
July 5, 2013 | Poetry

That Old and Good and Old Timey Good New England Butter

Sean Kilpatrick


Remember being mammalian in the friar patch?

Remember your best reserve for slattern hells?

Remember being mammalian?

This gizmo stuck in my fuss like a picnic,