Focus too much time on watching Amanda make cappuccinos.

In times of great dissatisfaction, you will occasionally find yourself dating two men.

Excuse me, sir, is that a sword in your gut?

I was afraid the security guards would stop us, but they just shrugged when I took the plane out and put it on the field.  One of them even said something nice like, “Whoa, that is a cool.”  I taxied it from the end zone; it took off and buzzed up into the sky. 

We’d do it with whatever was laying around: a jump rope, an extension cord, stray fistfuls of fishing line. Down in the basement, while the babysitter watched Spanish-language television in the living room, we pulled these things taut, secured wrists, ankles, and torsos to my father’s old recliner. Toby was a boy scout, so his knots were better than mine, but I was by far the more skillful interrogator.

I can only remember smoking weed with Steve once.
It was either right before or right after I married my daughter’s father.

By dread I’m inspired, by fear I’m amused. The phrase was cursived on a cocktail napkin and folded into my handshake by a steel-haired young woman two weeks before my 20th birthday. 

Cinetopia is a Detroit film festival for fresh retirees on a cinematic tour bus who belch knowingly whenever they mistake their hunched way into an obscene masterpiece. 

My sense of regret is the dog
you remember with immense fondness
but that you no longer know.

I upended the bottle of Seagram’s gin I always carried with me to poetry readings and cut off my penis with Kemal’s X-ACTO knife.

Going to school full-time and raising two kids definitely involves a lot of reading, but does it make you a reader?

Some animals devour their young to cease lactation so they can fuck more often. People tripped over the invention of a conscience for no other happenstance than to keep our numbers plump.

This is a 16-bit top-down adventure game, which, like many adventure games, is focused on a "hero." 

I first called her “querida” via text, years after we both escaped that desperate city. She sent a smiley face in response. I smiled along.

You want to watch a movie?

Nah, I think I'm going to go write for a bit.

In my head I can't believe what he just said. How the hell are we going to take a bunch of ordinary popsicle sticks and turn them into bombs? Bombs? Shit, they explode. There's fire involved! Is Kevin nuts? We'll kill people!

“God, dating Drake would be like dating a submissive,” my daughter said.

Do you think Buffalo Wings are good?

Last fall, Aaron tweeted something about accepting a few comics from a nine year-old. We’d soon discover the boy’s name was Alex Jiang, and that he was hilarious. When “Meet Lazy Wolf,” “Fashion

Construction drills
grind, teeth against the pavement.

To hack through the tail of a porpoise and free him from your gillnet, you’ve really got to have a strong steady hand. You've really got to try and find your faith. 

1. Mental aberrations include: feeling ‘ants’ beneath the skin.

Dear 52-Hertz Whale: Because you sing at a frequency no other whales can hear, scientists have nicknamed you "The World's Loneliest Whale." I'm sure it's unbearable out there, swimming through eternity, calling out...

At my friend’s bonfire on a chilly Southwestern night, a blond woman in Birkenstocks approached me and said that her name was Singing Humyn.

You always complained of migraines. Now, I’m trying to decided if I’m sorry for not having sympathy for you.

Only one person on the team had a significant mustache. She was the only girl, but she wasn’t good at math.