I had spent the night before sobbing. The kind of sob that hurts, that digs deep into your belly before rushing back up, demanding release. I drive in silence, to an interview for a job that would take me from full to part time. More time at home. More time to take care of my hardworking husband. My hardworking husband that said I "may be too much for him" after I vomited out that I am not doing well. That I feel alone. That I feel empty. That I am scared I am going to hurt myself. I am scared......I am scared I am really going to do it this time. On the television, Paul Hollywood is doling out handshakes - I'd settle for eye contact from my husband- Why is it always something with you? My hardworking husband cannot deal with this right now. He may need time apart from me. He may want a divorce. I’ve really done it this time. I may really do it this time. He leaves for work two hours early. How bad would it be for my family? Would he grieve me?

Later I consider chasing a bottle with the bottle, but instead I call my sister. Things could be worse...just go wild…get through it. I finish a bottle and fall asleep and I wake in the morning, numb.

I am driving in silence on my way to becoming a better wife. I lose control and let the tears slip. One by one. I can’t close the levy I’ve broken and I can’t mess this interview up and I can’t believe I told him I wanted to kill myself. What did I hope to accomplish with that one? He won’t tell me when he will talk to me again but I can tell this will be a long one. I can't stop crying. I can't stop and my eyes are already puffy from last night, but things have just been so hard lately and the more I think about it, the more I feel it and the more it buries me.

"Suck it up, buttercup" says a smug, smiling bumper sticker. I do. I stop crying. I get the job offer.

Eleven days later, he breaks. He asks me how the interview went. I turned down the job. He acts hurt. He was looking forward to more of me. Not too much anymore. More. More of me…most of me. He's being generous. Why can't I see that? Why can't I see all he does for me? How hard he works for me?

What is wrong with me? He goes to work an hour early to confirm he disapproves.

 That night, I take half the bottle.

The next morning, I take the job. More time to take care of my hardworking husband.