THE NEIGHBOR
My neighbor stayed up late last night practicing some blood-curdling screams.
DEMOCRACY
Democracy is good in its way, it’s good for a laugh certainly, but democracy isn’t everything. You can’t eat democracy. Democracy and 50 cents will get you a phone call (do they still have pay phones in democracies?). And so on. All the old sayings agree on this.
DISBELIEF
I can’t believe Angela Lansbury is no longer the Chancellor of Germany.
SURPRISE
Don’t be surprised when your roommate decides they’re going to buy a new vacuum cleaner with a crevice wand and then wants to keep it in their room at night.
SWIPE
I swiped left and a bullet creased my forehead. I swiped right and something—I think it was the iPhone—knocked one of my eyes sideways. I force restarted my phone and found myself on the other side of town. I walked back to my apartment and looked it over. Munchkin donuts are still here.
LUCKY
I beat my grandmother (“Nana”) in a card game once and she looked at me bitterly and said, “Lucky at cards, unlucky at love.” I was nine.
THEORY
I blame our lower standard of living on newfangled foodstuffs like yogurt and lettuce.
IKE & MIKE IN “WORD WITH FRIEND”
IKE: Mike, a word?
MIKE: How about delicatessen?
IKE: That’s a terrific word.
CELEBRATION
I started to light my cigar with a twenty-dollar bill, then changed my mind and lit it with bitcoin.
HOGAN’S HEROES
I watched this TV show so many times my family started speaking a little German. Just a few words they had picked up like “schnell” and “raus.”
ONLY A SANDWICH
He sat down and told me his story. Someone had stolen his sandwich from the office fridge. He wanted me to investigate and, hopefully, get the sandwich back. He said the police weren't interested because it was “only a sandwich.” His voice was shaking a little when he told me that.
INTERVIEW
I think the interview went pretty well, although at one point I remember asking the interviewer to speak slower this time, using simpler words, words with no syllables if possible.
THE 92nd STREET Y
At the 92nd Street Y there’s a shop at street level that sells poetry-oriented novelties like rubber poet vomit.
GOOD AND EVIL
I got split into two Mike Topps. One good and one evil—like Jekyll and Hyde. I told the good Mike Topp to get us both some coffee, then I took off before he got back. I was afraid that we might be put back together at some point, but we never were. We weren’t that much different anyway.
