I. 

it’s a rainy saturday
and you’re locked out & pissed
sputtering off-color jokes 
to no one

when I laugh, you perk up
like a misted lily 
as if seeing me
for the first time

on monday
I wear a red dress with my grief
I give you a bottle of pills
instead of ID

you say, “just stand there
and look pretty”

Angie warns me
this isn’t flattery
but I’m like
you think I’m pretty? 

thursday, 
you pick a seat
next to me and my sis
in the theatre
(I manifested this)

you ask me
for a piece of gum
and I pluck out the wad
I’m chewing
and place it in your palm

you slip it past your lips
without hesitating
our spit mingling!
on your tongue!

now: it’s many years later
and you’ve really made it, huh
lighting up fake worlds
friends with that big actress
wife, kids

and me?
oh, I’m scared of everything

II.

I’m sorry I called your mom a slut
well, I merely joked about it,

later that day
you tell me to get fucked
and okay, fair play

I bake trays of sugar cookies
trying to burrow my way
into your heart
wondering if you even have one

but then, you take the knife
from my hands
when it looks like
I might hurt myself

and when we get word
of the bus beheading
you are so enraged
by the bystanders

III.

you follow me around
“like a dog”
as Angie puts it
and I don’t mind
I’m just not used to being worshipped

Pen hollers at me
on set
and you listen 
while I cry in bed
I know it’s not enough,
but I swear I’m trying my best

IV.

I guess what’s left 
is this:
your sister
is much more beautiful 
and interesting 
than you

I fall asleep
beside her
listening to her breathe
absolutely freezing 
my tits off

V.

I’m not as cruel as you paint me
I’m better
than your asshole friends
who are fucking each other
while coupled up

I’m the slut? 

you know,
your bible 
doesn’t make you 
good
and my desire
doesn’t make me
bad

VI.

I shouldn’t say sorry
I was the one in pain
for five years
while you kept a foot
on each coast

it didn’t last
and I don’t know where you belong
now that I’m past it
indigo, indigoing, indigone

I see that comedian
who hates you
on a talk show
and think
go off, queen