I love greasy nerdy guys because they are easy to prey on. It’s like they can’t believe a girl like me would want to fuck, and maybe even love, a boy like them. They’re so easy to manipulate, it’s almost sad. All I have to do is press my lips together, raise an eyebrow, and ask the disgusting altcomix guy what he’s reading and the next thing he knows, he’s sending me a video of him wanking it while letting out little bitch moans. All a girl like me needs to do is wear tights to a comic book store during an event and I can get a guy creaming and shoving his own come back in his mouth behind the store in ten minutes. I have known power: it is this. 

I love making them feel desired and dangerous. I love making them nervous in my kindercore outfits and messy lipstick, blowing cigarette smoke into their faces, their uncomfortable chuckles and coughs. I love making them all uneasy, stripping in front of them while they mutter, “Oh my god,” to themselves. Excusing myself from the living room to the bathroom to “freshen up,” when I'm really pressing my ear to the door and hearing them run around and bump into shit while they clean up their place. I love their unkempt bathrooms. Their lack of hygiene, their yeasty spunk scent. Or even when they try hard for me, Listerine tongue and offensive cologne mixed with oniony body odor. 

I let them show me their interests. I let them introduce me to Real Cinema, Real Music, Real Literature, Real Art. I let them feel like a Real Man for a moment. 

They always share their worst secrets with me and look to me for female forgiveness. One masturbated to his older sister when he was a boy. Another squished his childhood kitten’s head because he wanted to see if her eyes would pop out (they did). One took his mom’s lingerie and wore them to bed every night for the entirety of seventh grade. Even to sleepovers.

I am their religion. I am their God. I have seen them beg, literally, on their knees for me. And I love them all so much, my beautiful boys. Because they make me feel like God so much. Which is almost as good as feeling like a man.