I. xaxaxaxa
I don’t consider myself esoteric or mystical, but while tidying my desk I found a little square
sticker with just the number 8 on it; I think it fell off the new t-shirt I was wearing, maybe it’s the
size.
ChatGPT told me that 8 is a vertical infinity (photo attached) and can be interpreted as the end of cycles and the beginning of new ones. And here’s everything that came after:
1 While cleaning my whole apartment and throwing stuff out, I recorded a voice message to S.,
telling him how T. decided to stop talking to me and didn’t reply to my message after the day he
smashed a glass against the wall, not even to ask about my bruises.
2 I think about how, last week, C. decided to stop talking to me and didn’t reply to my message
after I helped her with her project. I guess some relationships have utilitarian, not human,
intentions.
3 I keep cleaning; the pile of things to throw away / things to give away keeps growing. I light
incense and decide that my desk setup for the job I’m looking for (I still don’t know what it is,
but I do know I want it to be seated) will include two monitors.
4 I organize the small library I’ve built over the past two years and find a book my friends from
Uruguay gave me right before I moved to Berlin. It’s called Little Essay on Friendship. I haven’t
read it yet, but it goes straight to the top of my list.
5 My grandfather sends me a photo.
6 P. sends me a message out of the blue: “I know you’re busy, I want you to know I’m here.”
7 I reply while a 2000s cumbia plays in the background (the only music that helps me clean and
dance when no one is watching).
8 I go out to buy some boxes to finish reorganizing my apartment (such a pleasant task, grouping
things that look alike) and run into T. on the street (see point 1); he apologizes for breaking the
glass. I keep riding my bike, but I’m trembling. Will I see him again?
9 A. writes to me, saying he just left the therapist and realizes how important I am to him.
10 I finish organizing my desk, my whole apartment (basically my head), and to celebrate, I have
a beer while walking down the street. On the way, I pass the door of the job I left yesterday, after
a year and a half. I think about all the time I spent standing there and all the work I left behind.
What will become of those dishes I cooked and the countertops I cleaned? Will I see him again?
A little piece of my life stayed in that place.
I don’t consider myself esoteric or mystical, but while tidying my desk I found a little square
sticker with just the number 8 on it; I think it fell off the new t-shirt I was wearing, maybe it’s the
size. The 8 is a vertical infinity, a continuity, like when the snake bites its own tail in the Nokia
1100 game and it starts again.

II. 20mg
I asked the doctor, and she said: Let’s try Agnucastón 20mg.

Was Agnucaston 20 mg enthält:
Eine Filmtablette enthält 20 mg als Trockenextrakt aus Mönchspfefferfrüch- ten (Vitex agnus-
castus L., fructus) (7-11:1). Auszugsmittel: Ethanol 70 % (v/v).

Die sonstigen Bestandteile sind:
Povidon 30 /
hochdisperses Siliciumdioxid /
Kartoffelstärke /
Lactose-Monohy- drat /
mikrokristalline Cellulose /
Croscarmellose-Natrium, Magnesiumstearat
(Ph. Eur.) [pflanzlich] /
Opadry amb II (bestehend aus
Polyvinylalkohol /
Talkum /
Titandioxid (E171) /
Glycerolmonocaprylocaprat und
Natriumdodecylsulfat).

After two months, I’m already feeling better.

III. transcript of a long voice message I never sent
I can’t express this in one sentence, but lately I feel like I’ve been facing, maybe more often,
cruelty or dehumanization in certain affective relationships, in many ways: denial of words, lack
of response and understanding of mistakes, mistreatment, absence of communication,
extractivism; and in some cases, all of that together.

S. told me: “We’re kind of split, disconnected from reality.”

I also heard somewhere that this cruelty often forces us to respond and defend ourselves; to enter
a fight we didn’t seek. When cruelty is the rule, humanism is resistance.

Now I could express it in one sentence: we want to win over the other, when love means we will
always lose.

IV. insomnia

I was watching a video of a big-wave surfer who identified two kinds of fear. He said he likes
one of them, the one that doesn’t paralyze:
  Angst ist nicht weg
I realized that’s why I miss you;
because I miss the fear of ruining everything.