This was my third time. Third time taking Adderall while out enjoying a night of drinks. C handed me four blue pills—four blue half-pills. Straight out of his pocket, from hand to hand. Twenty milligrams total. Two ten milligrams perfectly split/cracked in half. They were blue, did I already say that? I took one with the glass of water our waitress had just filled seven-eighths of the way full. S dug thru her small suede purse to receive a large pack of Extra bubblegum. She pulled out a leftover piece of the foil gum wrapper for the not-digested-yet blue pills. Three of them. I had just ingested five milligrams—only five. I slid the folded, crumpled foil into my left jacket pocket. The one over my heart.
T sat across the table from me and ordered C and her two vodka sodas. S and I passed on the first round of drinks at dinner because we had just caught a buzz earlier at a random happy hour. We ordered plates for the table and waited for the food to arrive. I waited for the high to arrive. They arrived—both of them. I was running on four hours of sleep but now felt both alert and calm. I loved Adderall. I had just recently found out I loved Adderall. I also loved steak. Just recently found this out too. I snuck a piece of the steak when I could and watched the others eat the pasta. I watched the steak. I’d catch a glimpse of the steak in my peripherals as I turned my head to and fro in conversation with my friends—my best friends. The blood oozing from the steak distracted me from language and I’d imagine it in my mouth. Scanning again, noticing what was twizzled or stabbed onto the forks of my friends. I took my fork and stabbed the steak. I no longer had to imagine the flavor. I could taste it in my heart. My heart was beating slow and steady. I had arrived and I was ready.
I was talking a lot—much more than usual. I was telling stories. I was enjoying music. I was proselytizing. I was observing. I saw familiar faces but stayed hidden in the corner—just enjoying the view. I saw a million faces that I didn’t know and would never know. And I knew I was okay with that. I found a nice pair of sunglasses on the sidewalk just minutes before. I put them on to hide but realized I did not want to hide. I saw two brothers walk into the new metal—not numetal—dive bar with the same exact eyeglasses on. I wondered if because they were brothers, was their prescription the exact same? I was thankful for C’s prescription of Adderall. I was losing track of gin and tonics and realized I did not care. I was not keeping count tonite. All I needed to know was what five milligrams felt like.
There were talks of God. Who we thought God was—or could be. But also, who we thought God wasn’t. We kept talking. We kept laughing. We kept trying to go deep but quickly floated back to the surface. We kept drinking. We drank vodka sodas, gin and tonics, et cetera, et cetera. We took shots of amaro. I floated around the room. I kept my arms outstretched, pretending they were wings. I could see all of their souls thru the tops of their heads. Straight thru their skulls. They were fucking beautiful. We all agreed there was no afterlife. Heaven Is Right Now—Here—On Earth.