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Craig Griffey ate snowflakes because he thought it would make him better at baseball.

When Craig Griffey was six he almost retired from baseball to pursue a career in motorcycles, but his father would not buy him a motorcycle. Craig Griffey spent most of his childhood pretending to be a motorcycle. A few days after his father began having an affair with the entire urban population of Cincinnati, Craig Griffey found a three-inch plastic motorcycle in a dumpster behind a toy store. He tried to ride the motorcycle but it was too small. He put it in his mouth instead. Craig Griffey spent a year of his childhood chewing this motorcycle. His baseball skills struggled to develop while his mouth was busy. Craig Griffey almost found happiness. On the day before he was supposed to join a gang of boys who like to chew motorcycles Craig Griffey’s brother Ken peed on Craig Griffey’s three inch plastic motorcycle. Craig no longer enjoyed the taste of motorcycles and was not allowed to join the gang. He reluctantly returned to baseball, but sometimes when Craig Griffey struck out he could taste his brother’s urine.

Craig Griffey was a baseball player because his dad and brother were baseball players. He didn’t really like baseball, but he had a nice swing and people were always telling him he had a nice swing so he played baseball and did pretty good because his swing was nice and baseball was easy.

Sometimes Craig Griffey would get bored at baseball games and eat pieces of the baseball field while he thought of an industrial company like “Russia” dropping a nuclear option on America and destroying its ability to enjoy the leisure of baseball.

Craig Griffey liked to soak his father’s baseball glove in milk during the offseason.

Once, Craig Griffey found a pony on his way home from school so he rode the pony to the baseball field. When he got to the baseball field he realized the pony was not a pony. It was a strange man named “Lentil Perez.” Craig Griffery’s father was disappointed in his son for letting a strange man carry him. Craig Griffey sat in the corner of the dugout and ate bald crickets.

When Craig Griffey was twelve he went to k-mart with his mother and his brother Ken. His mother accidentally parked in the handicap space. The police were notified. Craig Griffey, his mother, and Ken hid from the police in a drain pipe. Ken fed Craig Griffey some pebbles. The cops burned the family car. Craig Griffey’s father was out of town. After the police left, Craig Griffey, Ken, and his mother had to walk home. That night Craig Griffey watched his father on television. His father struck out four times and made an error.

In high school, Craig Griffey drew naked pictures of his brother Ken and sold them to major league baseball scouts. One scout from the Baltimore Orioles paid ten dollars for a naked drawing of Craig’s brother. After the scout paid for the naked drawing he put it in his mouth and swallowed.

In the year of Craig’s seventeenth year of life, his brother’s defensive skills improved. Craig could feel his own defensive abilities shrug indifferently at the idea of improving. During his senior year, Craig didn’t even use a glove and instead wore a rubber goose on his left hand.

A week after his brother was drafted by the Seattle Mariners, Craig Griffey pretended he was paralyzed from his waist down. He made a wheelchair out of a tricycle and his father’s favorite recliner. When the news leaked, his father dismissed the paralysis as a consequence of massive cocaine use.

A few days after his brother hit his first major league homerun, Craig Griffey was waiting for a hamburger at McDonalds. He told the cashier behind the counter that he recently had been dreaming about eating toilet paper after he used it to wipe his own ass.

In a bathroom stall near the house where Craig Griffey grew up someone wrote, “I wish Ken Griffey Jr was my mom.”


image: Ryan Molloy