Nirvana

I don’t think it was nirvana playing
I don’t know what it was
in the ocean sometimes
warm water is pulsing under the cold surface
I don’t know if I really mean it. I mean,
maybe it’s a nervous habit
but I remember the first time I wanted to say it to someone
under the dense trees at night
in the snow I wanted to say it
Dean says he has easily known Xandy for thousands and thousands of years
there might have been millions between us
but I look for you in everybody
and right before I find you I stop trying
I put on my clothes and walk outside
I let the wind dry it on my skin
and look at the people who fit together
in their private puzzles
in their houses
in the middle of my childlike search for you
and the place where I am digging
could be any other place
in the world
You were with me in the world
and in my own private dimension where I know you like I know details of
houses I haven’t seen in years
The green room with paper walls
where everyone thought I was watching sports
cause they heard Josh and I having sex in there
and pretending to be on a football team
We can’t let coach find out
I cried on the porch with the broken floor
and in the car so late
they had got out the orange lights
and started digging a hole in the highway

I know I can’t trust you but I do right now

Packing my suitcase that last morning
you were lying in your bed
watching me from inside a shirt I bought in minnesota
Soft grey light was coming
Soft white circle on your wall
That night we slept with our heads where our feet usually would have gone
which was my impulse
because I was unfamilar with your bed
and I asked if it was ok
and you said you often did this when you were a child
on purpose to lure vivid dreams
And we both liked it a lot
that night of
sleep together

It wasn’t the closest I’ve ever felt to you
The veil between us was medium thick
I like the memory anyway

How could you put my feet in your mouth with no warning
I wasn’t offended
but it dredged something up in me
Dripping into the light
like a wire in the water

There is certainly another world
superimposed onto this one in ALMOST the same shape
And I’m making out with my hand
while I drive down the highway