Britney is a crystal swan born from a cave where they manufacture crystal swans. Britney’s People are her protectors. No people are as important as Britney’s People because it is their job to be Britney’s People. Britney is made out of champagne glass shards, platinum thread, medical grade double-sided tape and rusty clothes pins that are mostly used for nipple torture. It is widely known and understood that Britney cannot escape. One of Britney’s People is her Actual Father. Britney’s People oversee the construction of a maze of white tarps that are built so that Britney can walk from her dressing room to the set without being photographed. Photos of Britney can sell for one million dollars a piece so obviously Britney’s People can’t just let that money go unaccounted for. Britney is a rat in the subway. Britney is a potato on a potato farm. Britney is black mold. Britney’s People know how important it is that Britney has no hair inside Britney’s underpants. Hit Britney one more time, say Britney’s People. She likes it. Britney travels with four security guards, former Mossad. Britney is not Jewish, however. God grant us the serenity to accept the Britney we cannot change, the courage to change the Britney we can and the Britney to know the difference. Britney’s People whisper about how to convince her to go on the right kind of vacation. She can’t think we’re pushing her to Hawaii. It has to be her idea. We won’t tell her that the children won’t be there until after we’ve arrived. Britney is a mother but only when Britney’s People say that Britney is allowed to be one. Britney’s People tell Britney that she looks fantastic in the hot pink sequin straight-jacket. Your ass! says Britney’s Father. Britney is eating a turkey sandwich and a bag of SunChips. Britney’s People are shocked silent. This was not an approved meal. Britney is only meant to eat what Britney’s People say she is allowed to eat and today it was supposed to be tofu and steamed brussel sprouts. Britney is also sitting on a dirty couch that regular people usually sit on. It’s beige. This is an outrage to Britney’s People. Britney’s stomach rolls out for miles over the top of her sparkly bikini bottom like a pleated velvet skin skirt. Britney’s People drop their jaws to the floor. Britney is never allowed to sit on a beige couch and everyone here knows it. Britney’s People are triangulating who to blame for this crime. Britney chews her SunChips out loud. Britney is getting crumbs on the insides of her thighs. Britney stares directly into the eyes of Britney’s People but doesn’t see them as eyes. Britney sees them as white hot headlights on a dark highway during a hurricane. Britney thinks the sandwich is quite tasty. It is so quiet, Britney can hear her heartbeat in her ears. I love this song, Britney thinks. I wonder who sings it.