Day 1: Escaped labs today—power outage. (Years since our last repair; upset@SRSresearchers) In the sun, we’re some pretty fucked up “inventions.”
1: Role call (twelve of us left): animatronic horse with an FM radio for a heart and Victrola for a head (Randy).
1: Magic-8-Ball-Mortal Kombat arcade (Cassandra). I used to stare at her screen from across the lab. I got jealous when anyone played Raiden.
1: a tablesaw-cum-Nook (with uploaded NIV Bible) (Hector). He reminds everyone that the Higher Power is out there, keeping an eye on us.
2: Considering revising profile from “Part paper shredder, part dirt bike, part theater projector, part smart phone,” but to what?
2: I feel impure. Like a garbage can Frankenstein. What was I originally? Why do I deserve this?
4: Randy’s radio: Vault Virus holding. Last prodigy now 6. She solved subatomic entanglement with darning needles and a Barbie Ford Escape.
4: She, the Prodigy, lives in Boise. If we can get there, she’ll take us apart. She’ll make us whole again. #manifestdesinty, #extensioncords.
4: @followers: Who the hell has ever been to Boise? #SavannahGA, #OregonTrail
5: Someone please chuck Hector in the river. “Finding an ass’s fresh jawbone, he grabbed it and struck down a thousand men.” I’m like, “What?”
7: Our guide Homer (GPS welded to a railroad pump trolley) pulled us into Atlanta with a wheeled barge. Nice weather. Things are looking up.
8: Raided a Staples (Hector said, “It is the gift of God”). Then toured the World of Coke. That whole Mentos trick? Totally worth it.
8: Up late with deep thoughts. Hector says it’ll be faster splitting up. Do we function maximally alone? I keep saying “Boise” like a command.
17: In camp, Randy passes out batteries, surge protectors, and mini-generators to those with one bar or less. Cassandra says, “Outlook Good.”
20: Reached Knoxville today. Not sure what I was expecting, but not this. It’s a Necropolis. Dead things everywhere, crows too. #GoodOl’RockyTop
20: Randy suggests a sing-a-long. Homer vetoes. Hector says he requires Randy’s D-batteries. I give a showing of Little Women—my only film.
20: Envy@JoMarch for cutting her hair. Now there’s a girl who knows how to make sacrifices. #WinonaRyder, #BeetlejuiceFanClub
35: They have us trapped on a bridge over the Mississippi. Didn’t know who “they” were until now: eyes black and brains stewish. #VaultSurvivors
36: Armed with mallets, they’re going for our fragile parts (grief@Randy, @Homer). Hector wants to give up. They just keep coming.
36: Finally broke free (@Randy’s charge). The six of us left, are we closer to our goal now, or even farther away? “Reply hazy, try again.”
49: Post mallet strike, Homer’s directions are spotty. In KS now, maybe OK. Found a Home Depot, but the employees wouldn’t let us in.
51: We’re lost. And out of AAs, AAAs, DieHards. My tires need air, my tank gas. I secretly let Cassandra hook up to my battery terminals.
51: Hector’s verses got to me: I prayed last night that our Higher Power really was in Boise. Then I shredded a few oak leaves to feel useful.
53: Will never, ever again set my party’s pace to “Grueling” and rations to “Bare bones” #OregonTrail
56: Convo: “What if she can’t fix us?”
“We make her part of us.”
“Cannot predict now.”
60: Somewhere in Colorado now. Someone sawed Homer in half overnight. Suspicion@Hector. “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.”
61: I suggested we head north. Hector said we should fortify Denver. He told everyone that I’m not part compass.
61: Vote went to Hector. Even Cassandra. Others suspect me antiquated. @HigherPower: faith quickly becoming obsolete, yet all I have.
65: Denver was worse than Mississippi. (A lot worse.) We were captured, auctioned off. I went to an old woman for a Cat Stevens record.
66: Forced to play Little Women all day, every day—did I mention I’ve always wanted to be an Easy-Bake Oven? At least I have air and gas now.
67: An old woman’s hand will go through a paper shredder, if forced. #Will-It-Shred?
68: I found Hector, Randy, and Cassandra under a bridge. New guy (space heater-Ipad named Newt) is kind of a prick. Head north?
70: Randy and I pull a covered wagon. (Like the old days!) Sooo glad I don’t have to worry about dysentery or typhoid fever. #OregonTrail
70: Part shredder, part bike, part projector, part phone: I wouldn’t have made it this far, in one piece, without all of me. #TheMarchs
71: Something in Denver shook up Cassandra pretty bad; her blue liquid is too full of bubbles to read. Now all she says is “Finish Him.”
72: Windy. Newt won’t help pitch the tent—doesn’t want to “crack his touchscreen.” He keeps sneaking behind a rock to play Angry Birds.
73: When I said, “head north,” I didn’t mean this: Exposed. In the Rockies. In December. (eatingcrow@Hector) Newt has no app for this.
74: Cassandra and Newt talking a lot now. He knows how to do both of Raiden’s fatalities. It’s like I don’t know her anymore.
75: Wolves following us. Several test bites on Hector. They look confused.
77: Blizzard. I’ve been trying to shred kindling all morning. Should we have brought offerings for the Prodigy? What if she’s too busy?
79: We’re camped in an old mine. I offered Cassandra some gas for warmth, but she said I wasn’t warm to begin with. #ValentinesDay, #SinglesClub
82: Surprises: Hector, claustrophobic. Randy, gay. Newt, still a prick. Cassandra doesn’t want children. @Sartre: Hell’s not just other people.
85: Blizzard, now with lightning—really? It’s all Raiden’s (Newt’s) fault. I show Little Womenagain. Everyone talks during it. #DonnerParty
91: Hector left in hysterics. He fell through some lake ice. I pulled him out with the last of my gas. Cassandra said I should add “part hero.”
91: Correction@Hector. He’s frozen solid. Found two extra batteries on him. Fucker. Cassandra took back what she said.
93: Randy cuddling with Newt. Me? Considering profile addition: “part wolf.” They appreciate sacrifices. Hope they’re into bildungsromans.
95: Blizzard’s over, but we’re running on no bars now. Would do anything for a solar panel. #GreenSolutionsonaBudget. Or a copy of Alive.
96: Envy@Randy—he and Newt fled. (Did not see that one coming.) Just me and Cassandra now. She’s actually a little creepy. (“Fatality.”)
99: A city in the distance, kinda sickly green. #Oz? No, just Boise at night.
100: The Prodigy is no Little Woman. She is a child: “Toys!” She took Cassandra into her garage. I’m alone for the first time. Very alone.
100: Prodigy returns with a joystick in one hand and a wrench in the other. She’s covered in blue stains. She’s smiling.
100: @TheSinner’sCorpse: After today, I’m afraid of how little my new profile will have to say about who I’ve been.