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September 16, 2014 | movie reviews

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Sean Kilpatrick

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For photo

I am the vocation sorry saying hi from where a dick was. Hey guys, Bob Hope cheated on his wife. Guys? He killed his wife with a turnip because she wasn’t born his wife. Any woman Bob Hope gawked near was legally Bob Hope’s. He’s the peanut butter trigger to our world. The proof is in the pariah. I am breaking this story because it will earn me the living I never wanted. I bet you didn’t know that claptrap about B. Hope’s life, you fucking racist. If you tinkled at him once you belong to me now. I am for the committee to excommunicate the memory of Bob Hope from the nation’s pork. Please go read the reviews for this movie on The Onion, the pissant caboodle that now passes for Roger Ebert.com, and Ain’t It Cool News, yeah, them too, for some reason. That misogyny word is there at each site to describe this film and that’s the year we live in and it’s all my fucking fault. Everyone’s funny now. You delicate police informant assholes never should have leveled that word at me because I am willing to go into so much more horror than anything I’m falsely accused of may imply. I am the least likely to hurt people, unfortunately, actually, because it’s all I fucking think about all day. What happens during The Onion’s AV Club’s hiring process? We want the judiciously smart who aren’t too busy being bratty and dismissive about their postgraduate symposium on thirteenth century pillows to fashion us some cantankerously opinionated smarmy fucking copy that sounds like a grandmother weighing in on this freshly discovered politically correct zeitgeist. But you’re sexy, be sexy, go. Who is ever as good and sociologically apt as you fucking people? Are you really stating to me in the same echo across the internet that Sin City: A Dame to Kill For has some goddamn misogyny in it? Are you fucking serious? A Dame to Kill For? The pulp comic book 50s inspired movie? Has what? What mediaspeak now? Does it mansplain? Yeah, is someone gaslighted in this movie? Allow me to explain. Oooo. Gaslight is a movie. Ah-hah. Ah, ah? Nasty shit is portrayed in it. Oh, but oh. The bad guy doesn’t say much culturally insensitive tommyrot because he’s too fucking busy trying to drive his wife into an insane asylum and or to kill her and get money. Shh. Just. Have I done that to you? If I did, how come I ain’t real smugly relieved these days, skinny moustache atwirl? Come here. I’m serious. Shh. Listen. I don’t prefer the company of men or most women. I like one woman and no one else. Am I making a big to do about that my pants are maybe on? No. Yes? Tricky. I want to deserve everything that’s been done to me because I thought a thought.

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