Welcome. Please don’t take my talking as an assault to your personhood. This is not just a hot yoga and movements class, but a state of mind. Unfurl your mats, and unfurl your mind. That’s Derek, playing lute in the corner.
This state of mind is scheduled for an hour, but we have eradicated time, so it may last until lunch. Either way, we will be serving breakfast after this state of mind for a small donation. Breakfast will be: egg whites napping atop a bed of greens, under which you’ll find a bed of rice, all topped with an avocado sauce Derek made earlier today. He has been studying the various uses of the avocado for three weeks now.
I am Samantha, your friend now and always. Let’s begin in Mountain Pose. EXCUSE ME, MA’AM, IN THE FRONT ROW? Are those socks? Take them off. You must be barefoot in this state of mind.
As mountains erode, so does your pose. Transition to Molehill Pose, and remember to cup your earlobes as closely as you can. Now release your hands, allowing the extra noise to escape your ears. You have stored many worries there. I am coming around with the basket of worries, woven by my niece. Proceed to the Kelp Movements, and as you shake your head to the side, know that your troubles are dumping into the basket. These baskets are available for a small donation.
NOW! TEN PUSHUPS! QUICKLY. Thank you. Everyone was spectacular, even the two in the back row who weren’t so good. Notice that Derek did one-handed pushups in order to keep playing the lute. Try, next time, to emulate that.
You may notice that I’m climbing the walls. This rope is made of camel hair, shed naturally, never taken forcibly. Now that I’m hanging from a rail on the ceiling, I can better guide our practice. Switch to Ostentatious Pose, being sure to squeeze the melon we’ve provided between your thighs. If you feel moisture on your face, do not be alarmed. Know it is my spit. I ingested a large quantity of Vitamin C this morning, so my saliva is worth sharing.
PLANK POSITION NOW! DROP THE MELONS! Please do not take the melons home with you, as we donate them to a local sculptor after each class. Maintain your plank for the duration of this Vampire Weekend song.
Everyone please line up in front of Derek. We will now take turns running our cheeks down his abs. Unlike many of his cultivated skills, he was born with these abs. Derek, when were your abs first admired? Third grade? That’s beautiful. Feel encouraged to stick your tongue out as you slide your face down his stomach. You may catch a taste on his skin that is not dissimilar to sweet potatoes coated in brown sugar. He was born, also, with this trait. You, yes, you nosing around in his belly button, that’s quite enough, please return to your mat.
Assume Extended Physical Persuasion, your left heel rubbing against your right shoulder blade. If you have been noticing the climbing temperature, good. If you have not been noticing, that is good too. Both perception and ignorance matter equally. For the remainder of our practice, the temperature will drop slowly to zero in order to acclimate your body to shock.
As we roll our spines up to achieve Squatter’s Rights, don’t forget to be sweating directly into the glass jars to the left of your mats. We power our computer systems using collected sweat. Your mat is your oasis, your island, but we live in a community.