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November 10, 2016 | Fiction

Bestiary

L.M. Davenport

Bestiary photo

We are moving to Chicago, and cannot take Beatrice, our sweet, beautiful Lab mix, with us.  Selling her crate, toys, dishes, leash, and harness as well — we don’t want her to be without her favorite things in a new place!  Price negotiable, as we want to make sure that Beatrice is in a loving, forever home before our move.  Email Emily at theirmom6@yahoo.com if you would like to meet her.  No families with children under the age of five, riding lawn mowers, or snakes, please.

Seeking a home for my African Grey parrot, Chabon.  Word to the wise: if you live in an apartment with a “no pets” policy, don’t get one that can talk.  Or mimic the sweet sounds of the elusive female orgasm at inconvenient times, such as the evening visit of one’s boyfriend. 
Another word to the wise: don’t get a boyfriend who will rat you out to your landlady before breaking up with you.  Contact Dave at onthew1ng@gmail.com if you want to help me not get evicted.  Sometime before next Friday would be great.


FERRETS!!!
NO OTHER MAMMAL CAN COMPARE
ELEGANT LOYAL FEARSOME

Ferrets will be always by your side, curled around your neck, or awaiting the brush of your hands from inside a pile of laundry (if they bite you it is only a sign of affection and of the lengths to which they would go for you, their owner, to set their teeth in something which they would never ever eat because ferrets do not eat people, that is a malicious myth perpetuated by ferret-haters).

If you require more of your ferret than simple love and affection, our staff of specialized trainers will provide you with an ATTACK FERRET for your security.  Silent, lethal, and hygienic, they will await a threat to your person and react with lightning speed, and then your only worries will be finding a carpet cleaner who takes cash.  And being very gentle when you sort the laundry, because even highly trained attack ferrets get confused sometimes. 

To incorporate one of these wonders of nature into your home, call Amelia and Grayson at (614) 773-8592.  Please call after 5pm and before 8pm because that is when the ferrets have run-around time in their own ferret house and it is most convenient for us if we do not have to answer the phone straight from supervising a birth or training ATTACK FERRETS.


The people from the Health Department said I have too many cats so I am selling some.  (Really they are priceless but we live in a capitalist hegemony and I have no choice but to participate in it since one person cannot start a revolution.)  I would prefer that my cats go to socialist or communist homes but really cannot afford to discriminate based on ideology at this point so as long as you will take care of them they are yours.  (Figuratively.)

Maximum of five cats to one person.  (Because the Health Department said that’s how many I could keep and I don’t want to get anyone else in trouble.  There is nothing worse than the feeling of someone telling you your love is unhealthy through the muffle of a smog mask.  I would not wish that even on George W. Bush.)  Write Alex at redmenace83@gmail.com to arrange a meeting.


Looking to buy a capybara, preferably litter-box trained.  Money no object.  Anonymity preferred.  Email: capy2012@gmail.com. 

image: Elle Nash


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