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October 3, 2019 Nonfiction

Apologies

Courtney Cook

Apologies photo

Dear            ,

I’m sorry

 

Dear           ,

I’m sorry I         

 

 ugh

 

Dear               ,

I’m sorry I took that polaroid of you while you were sleeping.

 

Dear           ,

I’m sorry I thought you talking to someone else at a party meant you were abandoning me so I got all our friends to hate you.

 

Dear                    ,

I’m sorry I convinced you we were best friends and then told you I knew you thought I was just a charity case and that you were only friends with me to be nice, even though I had no proof of this at all.

 

Dear                ,

I’m sorry I was acting weird at the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam and I told you I had jet lag when really I was still rolling from liquid Molly I took the night before.

 

Dear                ,

I’m sorry I microwaved a cookie for 15 minutes to see what would happen and caused the school microwave to explode and everyone to get assigned seats at lunch because I refused to come forward and say that I was the one that made the microwave explode because I wanted to know what would happen if I microwaved a tiny butter cookie for 15 minutes.

 

Dear          ,

I’m sorry I fucked you while looking at that bobblehead of yourself that you said was from a bar mitzvah but how could it have been from a bar mitzvah when it had a full beard and nodded ‘yes’ at us the entire time even though inside my head I was like no no no no no no.

 

Dear         ,

I’m sorry you took me on vacation to Laguna Beach and I sat in the hotel room the whole time feeling sick to my stomach because my boyfriend had fallen off his bike and gotten stitches.

 

Dear                ,

I’m sorry I convinced myself you were a bad friend that only spoke to me when you wanted something from me, even though I’d actually abandoned you for the ~luv of my lyfe~

 

Dear                   ,

I’m sorry I told you you looked like Bob Saget when you got that weird haircut.

 

Dear            ,

I’m sorry I made your sister buy me Plan B even though the guy didn’t even cum.

 

Dear             ,

I’m sorry to be this person but I really do think acid cured my depression for six months.

 

Dear             ,

I’m sorry I made a huge scene about us not hanging out all summer and accused you of thinking I was just a ‘school friend’ even though you’d written me a love note where you called me your drug.

 

Dear               ,

I’m sorry I told everyone the love note you wrote me was weird even though I still have it saved seven years later.

 

Dear          ,

I’m sorry I sucked your dick while I peed, and then told everyone about it.

 

Dear             ,

I’m sorry I shit myself while wearing your pants.

 

Dear            ,

I’m sorry I got my period in your mouth that time you were going down on me.

 

Dear                ,

I’m sorry I told you I thought I’d done crack when I think I actually just had a panic attack from weird weed.

 

Dear                  ,

I’m sorry my dog shit on your carpet the night I was blackout drunk and asked to spoon you but ended up puking all over your back instead.

 

Dear         ,

I’m sorry I told everyone you proposed to me and left out the part that we were thirteen and it was in the milk aisle of a mini mart.

 

Dear           ,

I’m sorry I went on vacation, suddenly started to hate you, and then broke up with you over the phone after a year of dating while you cried in your best friend’s closet.

 

Dear            ,

I’m sorry I begged for you to take me back three days later.

 

Dear              ,

I’m sorry I was so giddy after we spent the day together that I got up at 5:00 am like fucking Cinderella and bought everyone donuts.

 

Dear              ,

I’m sorry that on your birthday you lost all your money gambling while I made $250.

 

Dear             ,

I’m sorry I blamed not being attracted to you anymore on my depression.

 

Dear               ,

I’m sorry I met you once and then told everyone I saw you were my ‘future husband.’

 

Dear                ,

I’m sorry I interpreted seeing my first shooting star while we were cuddling as proof we were fated to be together.

 

Dear                   ,

I’m sorry I told you I was going to marry you and then broke up with you less than a year later.

 

Dear              ,

I’m sorry I exist.

 

Dear            ,

I’m sorry I took you not responding when I asked if we were exclusive as a ‘yes,’ and then got mad at you for sleeping with someone else.

 

Dear           ,

I’m sorry I cried in your bedroom for three hours and while I thought about the time you played me John Mayer on your guitar all while your housemates listened to me sob through your bedroom wall, which was right off of the living room.

 

Dear                ,

I’m sorry I made you stay with me in a hotel room in the Tenderloin and after that time I wailed in your room while all your housemates listened.

 

Dear          ,

I’m sorry I obsessed over you for six months even though we only had sex three times.

 

Dear             ,

I’m sorry I refused to leave your couch that night when I was drunk and begged you to fuck me even though you had a girlfriend that you’d left me for.

 

Dear             ,

I’m sorry I wrote your Georgetown Law essay after fucking you once even though I was in the hospital having my airway monitored and I’m also sorry you got in.

 

Dear                ,

I’m sorry I used Alan Rickman dying as an excuse to cheat on you.

 

Dear              ,

I’m sorry I worried you.

 

Dear            ,

I’m sorry I cut your initials into my wrist that night you tried to kill yourself in some deranged effort to keep you alive.

 

Dear           ,

I’m sorry I called you every day from the psych ward even though I knew it was pushing you further away.

 

Dear                   ,

I’m sorry I kept threatening to jump off the 10th story balcony at your bar mitzvah.

 

Dear                ,

I’m sorry I locked myself in the bathroom and stopped answering when you asked if I was okay because I knew you thought I was trying to kill myself and I wanted you to think you were right even though I was actually just crying in the fetal position on the bathmat.

 

Dear              ,

I’m sorry I told you I jumped off my roof when what I actually meant was I thought about jumping off my roof but was too afraid of heights to actually do it.

 

Dear            ,

I’m sorry I didn’t get angry that time you asked me if I was a cutter and then questioned me why I didn’t have more scars when I said yes.

 

Dear                 ,

I’m sorry I couldn’t help you dissect that fetal pig in biology class and instead got myself hospitalized in a psychiatric ward because the pig freaked me out so bad that I wanted to be as dead as the pig.

 

Dear                  ,

I’m sorry for

 

Dear            ,

I’m sorry I

 

Dear              ,

I’m sorry

 

Dear

Dear

Dear

 

I’m sorry

 

image: Mandy McLaren


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