A dog would live too long. An axolotl would stink the house. Reptile equipment is confusing, complex. I’m allergic to cats. What I really wanted was a sibling, or my father. I was thirteen. We bought

“You should just ask yourself what your needs are,” Stephanie says. She raises an eyebrow, takes a sip of sangria, swallows loudly. “Once you know, then you’ll meet the right guy.”

I glare

It was 2006, and I had just arrived in Florida for a marine biology excursion sponsored by a certain theme park that dabbles in ocean rehabilitation. To spare myself from any lawsuits, let’s just call it Ocean Planet.

I live a life of humiliation, but the most embarrassing, most shameful thing I ever did was get thin for a couple years.

When I arrive at my assigned campsite I find. cheerios scattered everywhere.

In ancient Greece, it was believed that the uterus moved around inside the female body – like something winged

I don’t want to lead you on: this is not a love song. More of a reply to the note you did not write to the Dear Ashley column that also does not exist. 

Many a novel today is a screenplay with feelings. 

When we were five or six, well before that shot, we walked together in those woods. It was fall and we had just touched, for the first time that I can remember, in his room, under blankets. They were either 101 Dalmatians or Power Rangers-themed

After high school, I moved from Minnesota to Texas. Average annual number of Tornados in Minnesota: 41.9. Average annual number of tornados in Texas: 146.7. 

1. We are young and we snake through synagogue back hallways. Play truth or dare. Seven minutes in heaven. Stay away from the sanctuary.

June 1, 1944 –  Squadron party. Real whiskey, but didn’t get too hi – just happy. Met a W.A.F. (Women Air Force) & we talked English history.

A Godly woman has to make a living, after all.

My friend told me, it’s just about you needing control. I did not respond when she said this. Considering nothing is just about anything.

Please God forgive me. Please God forgive me.

While the atmosphere pumps steroids into hurricanes, let me feel the Ecuadorian sun on my face.

“Hide the Tzahal patch,” he warned before seeing me off.

My homework, which I assigned to myself, the way kids do sometimes, consisted of hobbling around my room in a witch hat, practicing spells on my shoes. 

If I had to take a shit that meant I had to go downstairs. I didn’t have a specific aversion to leaving the attic— I just never felt like getting out of bed. Also, the second floor toilet got clogged

In my favorite bookstore in a city where I no longer live, there’s a sign for sale that says: when in doubt, turn left. I don’t remember the name of the gym where I spent my adolescence, but I could

In the spring of 1989 an asteroid the size of the Empire State Building crossed Earth’s orbit.

It happened at a small party I’d planned at a nightclub in the meatpacking district.

From the shadow of an oak tree.

If not for “Alive,” I’d be dead. 

Nothing would deter us.