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there’s a lot you don’t know about me.
it started drunk and this is how it will end, you writhing in bed on a sunday morning with the hangover from hell while i leave slipping down the stairs to the street to walk to my car

video games blare across the hall. you can hear them so you don’t get up. you wait in the silent part for the moment

the moment never comes

this is when i do what she used to do
crawl out of the dark hole she lives in to come fuck shit up and then disappear,
liking and unliking things as if a ghost, but it’s a message

forget prepared under descending wanting remaining

i think if you had known how unhappy i was just for a second things would have turned out differently.

i haven’t worked out in an entire year

this morning i got close

waking up in the dark and puttingon my sports bra in the new qwuiet
then yoga pants
a shirt, socks

then i spent an hour sleeping on the bathmat before waking up to wash my hair and rush to work.

currently i am sitting on a teleconference with the button on mute doing what i always do which is not working

wanting remaining

currently i am sitting at a desk at work doing what i always do which is wondering when i’ll get to change and asking myself why i haven’t changed and making excuses for the reasons why i’m not writing/running/doing yoga/eating healthy/insert any other reason to shame myself here

or why i never talked about how i felt

some secrets i haven’t told you include

i stare at the men in the conference room watching their eyes sag after 20 years of going to the same job every day watching the way the skin folds over their wedding bands
(remember the time we told my mom we got married in vegas)
(remember the time 6 years later i said we’d actually get married when you moved to vegas)

some secrets i haven’t told you include
i ran from you as soon as he showed back up again, dropped you
i was seeing other people the whole time we were together
when you left for vegas i knew it would never be the same
when she left you because of me i knew it would never be the same

on the teleconference there is a highpitched voice explaining rate increases on the amount of money i give to health insurance each month

we never got to a point where i woke up hungover and i wasn’t afraid of what i said the night before

we never got to a point where i got sick and you knew i used to make myself throw up
but maybe you’d let me make myself throw up bourbon and coke and vegetarian organic ravioli anyway

we never got to a point where i laid on the bathroom floor
so you’d bring a comforter for me and lay with me there even though your back was bad

we never got to a point where i’d wake up in bed anyway with my bra and panties still on and you were there sleeping next to me


image: Colleen Barnett