MARCH 18, 2013:
Bam! Posting this from new gig as a Junior Creative Developer and Aesthetic Management Contributor at Meta Games, Inc. So what will I be doing? Oh, just working on a little game called Unicorn Apocalypse. UNICORN APOCALYPSE, BITCHES! This game is gonna be some next level shit. Angry Birds plus Gears of War times Minecraft with some special sauce thrown in just because. Unicorn Apocalypse!
Allright, they’re calling me in for orientation. More later, suckas.
Job, new gig, Unicorn Apocalypse, UNICORNAPOCALYPSE!, myjobisbetterthanyourjob
MARCH 19, 2013:
Day two and getting settled in. First of all, our offices are fucking sweet. They look like the set of a sitcom about startups in the Nineties: all glass, brick, big open spaces, these awesome red chairs that kind of look like old diner chairs, but old diner chairs in goddam space. There’s a nap room and a Pac Man and a mini basketball court and free soda and a massage therapist. Massage therapist! I don’t even know what that is but I know it’s awesome and I have one at work and you don’t.
One thing I know: this sure as hell isn’t Epic Games, where if you remember, I did my internship last summer, and I thought was awesome until I walked into this place. You’d think it would be all bro-ing down and crunching code, but those guys were more like accountants than anything else, all bottom line and Dockers and project management software (hey Basecamp: suck it!) and timetracking and fourth quarter projections.
I’m going to learn so much from these dudes. Meta rules!
Job, new gig, suck it Epic, suck it google, Idranksevensodastodayforfree, MetaGamesRulez.
MARCH 21, 2013:
Free shit, y’all! They gave us all Samsung Galaxies and those sweet mini-tablets yesterday. The guys who are in charge – the one is Asian and old, like maybe 30, and wears this sweater, and the other one is kind of nerdy looking and young and has this Michael Cera hoodie thing happening – got up and were like, new phone policy: now you can use whatever phone you want at work. At first I was like, um, that’s the same policy from everywhere, all the time, so like not even a policy at all, really. Then they started handing out these Galaxies and I was like, cool. I mean, I can’t really develop on those things but I’m sure I’ll get my computer soon and in the meantime: free shit!
20 days til launch!
TAGS: Samsung, freeshit, bossman, Unicorn Apocalypse, UNICORNAPOCALYPSEISTHREEWEEKSAWAY!
MARCH 25, 2013:
I sit near this dude named Salvatore who looks like a stand-in for Zack Galifianakis. I have no idea what the dude does but he’s hilarious and he rocks this major beard, so I assumed he was a developer. I asked about getting my dev environment set up and he was like, dev what? Then he gave me a high five and was like, Unicorn Apocalypse is gonna be our best game yet! Then I asked about languages and he said he had a little French and said something about MyMotivation. Which I’m guessing is their version of Basecamp?
SalvatoreisZackG, MyMotivation, Unicorn Apocalypse
MARCH 28, 2013:
It’s 12 days to launch and I haven’t written a line of code for UA. I don’t know what’s going on around here. Yesterday we had another one of these meetings where the Asian guy stands up and talks a lot about how awesome Unicorn is going to be, and everybody was poking away at Evernote on their Samsungs, and we all got totally stoked about Unicorn, but then at the end the Asian guy just kind of wandered away checking his phone, and everybody else went over to the nap room or to play the Pac Man or they sat at their desks playing Angry Birds on those new mini-tablets with the stylus like the old blackberries. Research? I don’t know.
Samsung, Samsung Note, Unicornlaunch?
APRIL 1, 2013:
There’s some old lady who works here. I don’t know what she does – I think something with the money. But yesterday they tried to give her one of those sweet Samsungs and she’s like, I have a system, like a work phone and my personal phone and never the twain shall meet. And everybody is looking at her, like, come on, crazy old lady, that’s not how it works anymore. And she’s like, respect the system. And everybody was like, thank goodness she’s doing the money and not actually working on Unicorn Apocalypse, because: duh.
APRIL 4, 2013:
Today was a little weird. They keep on talking about this game but not the way I thought we’d be talking about it. Like, I thought there would be writers? I guess I’ve been thinking about Gears of War, since Sal plays it like all the time. Like at Epic, all these writers were always cornered off in conference rooms banging away at laptops. Like dudes who had written books, supposedly. Real dudes.
And the process. Holy shit. You couldn’t do a thing before a writer finished a script, an editor approved the copy, a continuity tech reviewed the sets and the costumes, a developer approved the code, and then at least two devs had to approve that code for it to get committed, and on and on and on.
These guys are more nimble, I guess? It’s just like four dudes in a room talking about what will happen in Unicorn Apocalypse. Like, will the unicorn’s horn shoot glitter, or what color is the unicorn’s blood?
These guys definitely know what they’re doing, though. The Asian guy stands up and talks to everybody a lot and he’s really good at it. I guess he’s the CEO or something. Or maybe the Creative Director. He’s kind of obsessed with the phones, though, so maybe the CTO?
GearsofWar, Samsung, unicornblood, unicornsparkle, unicornapocalypse
APRIL 5, 2013:
I was supposed to get paid yesterday and there must have been some kind of thing with the bank or something, or the direct deposit, because, well, no cash. I went to see the money lady with her two cell phones and she was just like, Respect the system, and I was like, Much respect but I need some money here, too. And she just said something about how we were all lucky to be working on a game as awesome as Unicorn Apocalypse, except she called it Rainbow Meltdown. And I was like, Was that your last game that you guys worked on? And she was like, I haven’t done improv for a while but yes, I will check on your check.
APRIL 6, 2013:
There’s one dude I swear I recognize. He looks just like one of those guys from the Big Bang Theory, except he’s not That Guy. I kept on asking him if we went to school together, if he was maybe one of Dorothea’s friends, or if he had ever lived in Ocean City.
Finally, I’m watching TV last night and this commercial for McDonalds comes on and holy shit, there’s the guy. Then later on, this other commercial for Budweiser comes on and there he is again, hanging out with a bunch of his bros and drinking Bud Light and hiding from some super hot chick who is supposed to be his girlfriend.
So today I’m like, I totally know where I know you from and I tell him and he’s like, I think you’re making a mistake, and I’m like, Bro that’s totally you, and he just pulls out his Samsung Galaxy and starts typing and kind of scurries away toward the nap room.
McDonalds, BudLight, commercialdude
APRIL 7, 2013:
There’s still no writers around here and I haven’t even seen any code, any QA, anybody, like, playing Unicorn Apocalypse.
I’m starting to wonder what’s up. Today I asked Sal what other games he worked on, if it’s always like this, if they maybe outsourced dev to India, but he just held his hand up for a high five and shouted UNICORN APOCALYPSE and asked if I figured out to how to do Netflix on my Samsung Galaxy 3.
APRIL 9, 2013:
Well, that’s it. I’m shitcanned. I’m writing this from the bathroom, but I know they’re gonna come soon to get my sweet Samsung Galaxy. We got in today and there were streamers all over the place, these noisemaker machines, a barista and a guy set up in the corner making omelettes to order. I went up to Sal and was like, what’s up with all this? And he was like, dude it’s launch day.
I was like, So they did outsource to India then? And Sal is like, Dude, just go get a latte and don’t worry about it, we’re going to happy hour later on.
I go in to see Asian Guy and Michael Cera guy because last time Asian Guy was standing up giving a speech he was like, You can come to my office any time. So I knock on the door and I can hear music in there, and people talking. I knock again and the talking stops. One more time and the music stops. I just stood there, listening. Outside, people were moving around, eating donuts, lining up for lattes, giving high fives and talking about happy hour. They were updating their statuses on their Samsung Galaxies.
I stood there for a while, waiting for something to happen, trying to think about whether I had ever seen anybody do anything on Unicorn Apocalypse, or if it was just in those meetings, that big picture of the unicorn they had all over the office.
They turned the lights out in Asian guy’s office. Outside, people were counting down: five, four, three, two, one….
Then I tweeted at the Epic Games account: “@epicgames I think I quit.” I stuck the phone in my pocket then felt if vibrate a response: “@jaymakesgames23 Thanks for your message. Look for Unicorn Apocalypse coming any day now! Enjoy your Samsung Galaxy. UNICORN APOCALYPSE!”