brad reviews: names

good news everybody. this issue i am reviewing names, choppin heads in the process. if you are faint of heart and self-conscious of your birth name, stop now. if you are worthy of sporting a big belt buckle (see (dis)likes and you will notice that we here at hobart love belt buckles and white trash - can the two be separated? no.) this means you are gutsy and up to the challenge and we encourage you to keep on truckin.

here we go...

brad

its my own name and ive never been a big fan of it. when i was little, i told everyone my name was mike. mike is, as my asian neighbor says, "mike is good name!". brad makes me think of rich young white guys who play tennis and drive cherry red porsches (i am of the "poor brad" descent by the way. just to clear up any confusion).

ernie

could you go wrong with ernie? the correct answer is no. i know an ernie and he is the coolest. plus, his name is ernie. and hes cool. ernest. ernie. good name.

matt

if you are in a fraternity and your name is matt, you suck. case closed. in fact, if you are in a frat, forget it. you are the lamest ever. matt + fraternity = we hate you

nigel

seriously. change your name now.

julius

julius is a good name. some hate it, others think its gay. we like it. why? cause its old skool like cold drool. and its all about the orange julius - the official drink of all malls across america.

bob

its all american. spelled the same forwards and backwards - we love bob for its simplicity. its what you do in the water if you have no arms and legs and thats funny. if your name is robert, start going by bob. make this change now. do it for the rest of us. bob yes. robert no.

regina

mmmmmmmno.

chloe

never liked it, never will.

dick

and heres our winner. if your name is dick, chances are you are an old man and we like you. plus, your name is dick.

richard

see above, although not as cool as dick - in fact - we hate the name richard (richard gere? aight then). richie, rich, all are bad. why go by richard when we can call you dick?

opal

if your name is opal, you are probably a sweet old lady who at one time or another, one of us has mowed your lawn. opal is good.

"charlie the cowboy" by jeffrey harland (Brad makes it clear: we like belt buckles. Which means we like cowboys. You would have to ask Brad, but I think Charlie is a good name - especially for a cowboy.)

p.j.

no.

wayne

yes

joe

we all like joe. especially if it is preceded by the word "uncle". everyone should have an uncle joe. if you knew my uncle joe, you would know why everyone should have one. two words: hydroplanes and budweiser. aight then.

tracy

guy or girl, i gotta say yes to this one. why? because of tracy morgan, only the funniest person ever created.

enrique

sexy. trendy. exotic. gay.

biff

there is at least one biff in every frat house. you connect the dots.

marge

i love marge. thats my grandmas name. pretty much old people names are names we like.

brock

if your name is brock you are creepy and you have a big hairy mole on your face. chances are your whole body is hairy as well.

bryant (or bryent)

if i was black, i would probably be a bryant because its a close derivitave of brad - the whitest name in the world. bryant is the name i wish i had. its like brad, but cooler. knameen?

bud

see dick.