my dog looks like a pirate

Some people say that my dog looks like a pirate. I can see why that would be. First of all, my dog has only one eye. Hundreds of years of cruel selective breeding experiments have predisposed many breeds of dog to various physical and neurological problems. Well, my dog developed cataracts in both eyes. One became so cloudy and swollen that it had to be removed.

Secondly, my dog has an exaggerated under bite. Even with her mouth closed, her bottom row of teeth can be seen, giving her a mean, snarling appearance. This is, of course, exactly what pirates look like; mean and snarling. Aside from these pirate-like features, I’ve found that my dog is missing some crucial attributes characteristic of contemporary models of pirate appearance.

First of all, my dog does not have a wooden leg, or “peg leg” commonly seen in many current depictions of traditional pirates. Additionally, my dog does not have a parrot or small Caribbean monkey attached to her shoulder at all times. Lastly, my dog does not own any kind of sailing apparatus which, in order to be considered a pirate, one must of course have.

This got me to thinking about what exactly a pirate is. Couldn’t someone who “pirates” computer software be considered a pirate? What about your average, run-of-the-mill convenient store thief? Are they not pirates as well? What about the white collar, corporate criminals who are responsible for more deaths than all forms of street crime combined? They have to be pirates right? Do they have eye patches and peg legs? NO. They wear suits and ties and drive expensive BMW’s. Hey, maybe their BMW’s are their boats. Their managers are their first mates. Their employees are their crew. The world economic trade system is their ocean.

I think I’m on to something big here. CEO’s of huge, multinational corporations must be pirates! They steal, they kill, they disregard the law, and shoot the occasional cannon ball into the hull of an unsuspecting vessel. Pirates! That’s what they are. So then, my dog cannot very well be a pirate because she’s done nothing but eat, shit, and sleep for the past twelve years. That’s not a very productive career for a pirate.