ok soda

Pop is one of the staples of American life, sorta like Ball Park Franks and Aqua Net, only pop is bigger - much bigger. In fact, I can pretty much nail down any stage of my life and associate it with some sort of carbonated beverage.

My first recollection of soda as I know it has to do with none other than Tony Danza, the loveable man-maid we all knew and loved. Its like this - back in the day, good ol Tony used to plug Tab. Tab was the one with the red can and only one calorie. I remember watching Tony on TV chugging this can 'o Tab and dancing. Nobody could chug and dance like Tony. Nobody.

This one time I can remember being sick, and for some reason we had this can of Bubba Licious Soda in the fridge. I swear on my grandmothers grave that Bubba Licious made pop at one point. I thought this was the greatest beverage that could ever be materialized into existance, because it tasted like gum/cotton candy/heavy syrup/speed, and you could swallow it. I think, however, that that was the one and only can of pop Bubba Licious ever made because I've never seen one since. How it ended up in our fridge, I'll never know. Maybe thats the point - maybe I'm never supposed to know because it was probably a government conspiracy linked to the dissapperance of Jimmy Hoffa. "Keep the sick kid quiet. He knows something. Get Bubba Licious on the phone." Whatever the case, I drank the only known can of Bubba Licious pop known to man and it was gooood. Suckas.

Jolt was always there. One time when I was a kid, we were in this gas station and I reached to the top of the shelf and grabbed a Jolt, hoping my mom would just let it go and let the poor kid have his sugar intake for the quarter all in one car ride home. Jolt was cool cause it was in a bottle, and when youre little, drinking out of a bottle is like wearing your sunglasses indoors - other people wished they could do it, but they just cant, cause fate hasnt chosen them to be the "cool one" at the present moment. Being little and drinking out of a Bottle : cool :: Sunglases indoors : too cool for the likes of you. Needless to say, I didnt get the Jolt.

In fact, my parents treated Jolt like it was a contraband or something. To this day I feel a tad guilty about seeing Jolt in the store. Dont ask me to explain this one - just go with it. I think it has something to do with how Jolt never really advertised enough, so it was like this black market item displayed in the corner of the cooler, capable of giving you super-human staying awake abilities. Whatever the case, it scared me then and it scares me now. Jolt = drugs. Case closed.

Puberty was a fun time. Decisions to be made, acne to clear up, parts to hide in the locker room cause theyre not fully hairy like some of the older guys, and the big nose and cracking voice. To add to this pressure, I was more or less forced to choose between the two major pop kingdoms. Actually, this was more my doing than anything else. I was no longer going to ride the fence and drink both Coke and Pepsi. I chose Coke cause I thought it was better. I was right. In fact, one time I was at the Tacoma Mall and they were actually having a taste test (yes, they really do these) and I did it. I was actually a little nervous cause I didnt want to be all, "Yeah, Coke is my favorite, its the best, bla bla bla." and then end up choosing Pepsi like a kook. When it was my turn I drank pop 1, ate a cracker to clear my pallate, then drank pop 2. The lady asked me which one I thought was the best and I said it was number 1. It was Coke. It felt good to be a confirmed Coke drinker.

About my 8th or 9th grade year Coke put out O.K. Soda and I was all over that mess. It was like grape/grapefruit pop with a twist of oddness that only marketing genuisis could pull off. First off, O.K. Soda came in a silver can with different labels you could collect and trade with your friends. Second, they had an O.K. Soda hotline. This was just too much for me to handle. Everyday for about a month straight I would run home from school, dial 1-800-I FEEL OK, and listen to testimonies of how O.K. Soda cleaned this guys tools, and made this ladys house clean and various other tasks. O.K. Soda was ahead of its time cause America just wasnt ready for it when it came out, because everything wasnt O.K. If they only knew Coke was just trying to numb the pain of a bad economy by making a pop centering around a sense of false security in a tradeable silver can. Pure genious.